Ups and Downs

Don't let the highs get too high.. don't let the lows get too low.." -Dad..

And how true that statement has been for me this week... my lows are really low and my highs are damned high. But I will Survive.. and hopefully thrive as tomorrow will be better... because I think it will be better and my essential oils will help me ease myself into that more pleasant state of mind. Already seems to be helping as I am just in a more mellow mood despite my over eating today which is symptomatic of my withholding my emotions for too long.. but I actually jogged today so hopefully it evened out and I won't think of myself as a fat cow for too much longer.

Jealousy is something I have been really dealing with/not dealing with well lately. I keep thinking to myself Why am I not skinny? Why don't I write music anymore and perform? Why don't I paint? Why am I not who I want to be statistically speaking.. my superficial ME is angry and I am getting more and more bitter about taking care of everybody and I get left behind. Choir Saved me..quite honestly without it these past few months would have been absolutely and completely unbearable.. That and my Mama.. She makes it so I can go and not have to worry ( though I still do ) about my babies..

I know life piles on you.. and it's how you deal with it.. but lately I am not dealing with it very well. I am angry and I have packed all my emotions away that even when I am happy I get the " You seem upset" speach.. Which brings me to my next .. bothersome topic.

For the first time all week I got to just go out .. me and the kids.. and it was so nice. Lately I have been shadowed by my Father in Law pretty much everywhere ( which I don't begrudge and I don't want this to sound mean... because we want to spend all the time we can with him) but I NEED to get away.. to get out.. to think.. to breathe.. to find space.. that is my little family.. and I haven't even been able to sit and be miserable without feeling guilty and I swear if I don't get a chance to scream or cry I am going to end up on SNAPPPED :( ... I heard a noise the other night and instead of calling out and risk waking him up I just loaded up the shotgun and sat by the door.. This is not normal... And then the damn thing didn't work like my dad's gun and you can't just pop the shell back out you HAVE to fire it.. so the next day I did.. just to freak out the neighbors..

I want to move...not far.. down the road... I want a nice house to drive up to with character.. like one of those 1920-30s style garden homes you see in older parts of town .. with the big front porch.. they look so inviting.. unlike this modern crap I am living in today where they didn't put any pride into it let alone design the space in any usable fashion.. I just want to scream when I think about it all because I am so very organized but there isn't a way of organizing this house short of remodeling..

One child is in the bath.. one is coloring the walls with my EO mix.. I was wondering why I kept smelling mint.. Life isn't all bad..

The kids had a great time going to the fair with Grandpa and we all enjoyed playing the little "let the giant rat pick the color game" They got to ride a train and I got to listen to the banter of the carnies.. which gets meaner and more vile every year. How can you expect people to pay $6 a person to get in and make every ride $6 a person and every beverage and food $6+ a person... Try taking a family out for that crap for more than thirty minutes and you can see why the ad in the shoppers guide for the Title Loan place was " get your money just in time for the fair"

It's all crap. I have more fun picking up pine cones and letting William gather acorns... I am glad we went though because Randy actually felt up to it and it was nice of him to take us all out even when he doesn't feel like doing much lately. His pain is getting worse and he won't take pain medicine till it hurts him really bad.. and really bad for him is like deadly to some people. So he sits all day like he is in a constant state of pain. Kevin can't stand it.. I just phase it out but it still gets to me. How can it not? It should hurt to see another human being suffer.

Randy can't really talk and that bugs him cause you can tell he has something to say and it just hurts him to say it.. so he holds back. He feels like a burden then starts to act it. I don't know which feeling is worse. None of this would I ever say to him but I can't say it at all.. so it goes here..

I'm sick with dread.. dread that one day I will knock on the door and he won't look up at me.. or worse that fucking cat will be gnawing on him or something graphic.. it's all so much to take in. And what happens if the scans come back and we could have been doing radiation and it could have really helped and he wasn't terminal.. but now he is.. what then? I know Dr. Black tells us like it is and has the best bedside manner of any doctor I have seen recently.. but.. I still hold out that we can do something.. anything.. if only wish for a peaceful painless death.

I want to throw up. I just want to expel every single negative emotion I am having. Can nothing in the world go right.. can it just stop for a second... I don't know.. maybe I ask for too many of those moments.

You know those moments where time really does slow down. I had that Thursday after I dropped him off at chemo. I went to his house to grab a vacuum because ours broke/I ... misused it/ thought it could be used like a shop vac.. I was wrong. At any rate, I got back in the car and started the engine.. and the wind blew.. and leaves and the little spinners that come off of maples fell out of the trees and they all spiraled around and it was all like a dream. I was frozen.. still.. solid.. afraid to breathe so I wouldn't wreck this perfect state.. Nirvana.. I found it. I was living finally for just that one single solitary moment... and it kept going.. and going.. I didn't want to leave.. I just sat there.. watching. Maybe that is all we can ask for is one moment like that a lifetime .. and if that is the case.. I have been extremely fortunate to have at least a few.

Deep Breath...

My head is starting to hurt.. I think Mealie went a little bit overkill on the wintergreen essential oil. She is a destructively sweet sprite.. Both the kidlets are now in the tub and hopefully my floor will remain somewhat dry.

From looking at it you wouldn't even know I cleaned every square inch of this bloody house.. and now I don't even have a clean room to show for it.. I need a vacation by myself I think.. Or maybe a couples retreat.. I have plane tickets.. we should just hop tail it back to Arizona for our 5 year anniversary.. that would be heaven. Speaking of which I should break out my wedding mocs cause I finally don't have a newborn screaming at me for boobs.. so I have time to lace shoes now.

Oh well.. I am off.. hopefully on an upswing..

Namaste,
Elizabeth