Panic attacks when happy?- I need you.. where are you?

Wtf.. okay So I know that my panic attacks now are mostly trigger by my heart valve being leaky ( aka Mitral Valve Prolapse) But usually it takes an emotional trigger along with it to make me lay on the bathroom floor from 3am to 6am ... That is what happened to me last night.

And then again when we went out to eat.. I had to pace outside and think to myself " just don't pass out here.. " And then when I went to choir ( which usually is a happy time for me) I spent the whole time just feeling like I wanted to burst into tears my heart wouldn't stop racing.. it's like I spent the whole time trying to catch my breath which really sucks on high notes..

What the hell is going on ? I woke up out of a dead sleep with a panic attack to be followed around all day by them too? Just not at all cool. Especially since I had mostly eliminated them with breathing exercises, diet changes, and just.. trying not to stress out. Maybe I just packed everything negative inside.. I don't feel like I have completely. I mean I have vented about things.. I don't feel right about venting about taking care of someone because I don't begrudge it.. I just feel.. awkward.

I never had confidence. I used to have a great deal when I was younger.. teen years I felt like shit.. then .. I just never got my groove back. Now it's like .. I don't even know where to begin. I know what I want.. but I have no clue how to get there. If I just had someone take an interest in me and my vocal abilities.. songwriting.. etc... perhaps maybe I would not be this.. not that where I am sucks or what I am doing isn't great. I love my kids and my life.. but .. I do have this lust in my body.. and what else would satiate it ?

My whole belief structure feels rattled now.. Jealousy plays a role.. should I not just be happy where I am? Why when I see someone on stage singing does it crawl up my ass and make me pissed off the rest of the day thinking why isn't that me? Why does this happen, if not to tell me that THIS is what I NEED to do with my life. Again it's like I am treading water.. what will be good enough? Will a community chorus? Solo work? Making cd's again? Touring with Jimmy Buffet ? I mean what will it take for me to be okay with where I am?
Because it isn't a lack of happiness that drives me.. it's an overwhelming passion for singing.. isn't that the key to it all?

If you asked me how do I make an indie band promote itself, make a cd, get copyrights, get heard and get a record contract ( which IMO is kinda worthless now with Youtube and Itunes.. ) However a distributing deal with SONY would be awesome.. If you wanted me to help with that.. HELL YEAH.. but .. in terms of me.. I can't help myself .. because I need guidance.. I need that push that will either make me Tori Amos.. or Enya... The chick that sings opposite of Meatloaf .. or Sarah Brightman.. Which direction would I be most successful and which direction would have me where I wanted to be musically, creatively, and most of all.. what suites my voice.. or am I just shitting myself that I am talented at all?

How does one get these paid solo positions in symphonies? Hell if I know.. if I did I would be doing them? I'd love to be in Les Miserables... but I don't know how to get my foot in the door. If I sang country or put myself in any other genre I would know what to do.. what city to hit... and what bars to gig till I made it.. But I am royally screwed right now.

But not really.

I have my choir.. and that helps ease the sting of not having a complete mentor..

Plus.. eggs go bad.. voices when taken care of do not.. maybe I shouldn't even focus on it right now..

BAH.. what am I saying.. I'll probably be dead at 27 anyways so who needs to worry about anything..

I'm a red head... so now I have a hair color to match my temper..

Enough rambling.. I need to play some scrabble and go to sleep..

Namaste
Elizabeth