Oh I love that new purpose smell.. only comes with the new purpose.. Old purpose smells like take out left in the car overnight.. not appealing in the least. But new purpose... that's like one of those smells you can really immerse yourself in.
Never at the age of 24 would I thought that I would be handling the task of taking care of an aging/ailing/dying relative. I thought for sure I would be famous by now.. on Broadway singing about either my death ( Fantine) or my love ( Eponine) or something tragic like Memory from CATS even though I can't dance.. Hence a huge setback, but I digress.
I think I am handling it well. Surprisingly well, perhaps a little repressed emotions well? A little too much spending on the credit cards well. It's been one of those years and I guess I feel like.. way too happy and even tempered to be well adjusted.
I have two of my closest friends experiencing the worst loss ever.. and it's horrific. I don't have any right in the world to complain. Some days are tough but no where near as tough as theirs. If it were possible to change pains.. I would in an instant.
But back to my purpose. Maybe my somewhat mid twenties crisis is actually an awesome thing to have when everyone else is experiencing such god awful moments in their lives. I have no idea what to say to any of them . I know what not to say... I wish I were cloned and had a bigger limit on my credit card so I could be in three places at once. That would be a handy feature and I am sure as soon as we figure it out apple with come out with the Iperson.
You would think that my lack of innate sadness would be a good thing , but honestly it's a quite troubling scenario because it's like waiting for the bomb while whistling a happy tune. You know it's coming, but you don't care. I do care. Does this mean I have just totally turned off my empathy? Is this MY coping mechanism? Maybe I should stop looking so much into and just enjoy it because peace like this never lasts long. Maybe all the yoga and meditation did help? This is just crazy. Passion, depression, on the edge emotions.. I know them.. I've been there. This whole happiness stuff has got me befuddled and confused. I am acting different... I try on five shirts before I leave the house. I have a hair straightener? when did this happen? And my hair is red. Now what? Do I go for a tattoo or nose piercings? What is next! ( insert a sly grin)
My behavior in no way matches my circumstances. So what is the purpose of all of it? Is it my purpose in life to be the listener? The adviser ? The caretaker? The best friend? In no way am I burdened by these things, but are they my purpose? Maybe I am missing the big picture of my life when I define myself by what I do and not who I am? But are those two things inextricably related?
I have more questions now than answers. Life is heavy. But my attitude isn't. I am taking things more in stride. I am .. savoring more. This life however pleasant or unpleasant is all we have. When I die.. I am energy.. no conscious anymore to understand the warmth of sunlight.. The change of the air from the sultry summer into the crisp, crunchy, granny smith apple eating weather I love. Maybe I am in complete denial of everything.. because there is nothing I can do. I can't stop death. I can't change it. I feel like some type of Bodhisattva... harbinger of this .. most unchangeable of fates... but maybe I can help ease transitions..
So.. What is my shiny new purpose? I have yet to discover. I will continue on.. until I don't.. and hopefully it will happen upon my path so I don't have to go on some long drawn out journey. Or.. maybe the journey will find me on my path..Maybe I want the long drawn out journey.. because the alternative sucks.
At any rate.. I got kids to wash.. bills to pay.. and I have to find nirvana and purpose sometime.. in between all that. So I have to say my schedule is packed. That and having a the ubber cold prevents me from practicing for solos.. but.. don't worry I had that stuff down long before now... Hope my nerves don't get to me.. but in my somewhat oblivious state maybe that will help.
I'm off to seize the day CARPE DIEM
Namaste,
Elizabeth
No comments:
Post a Comment