Things I so look forward to

And how they get ripped away. I know I shouldn't be writing when I am upset because nothing good ever comes out of it.. except possibly fewer broken dishes.. ( I must be some form of Mediterranean descent) Or just the raging Scots-Irish in me in liking to break furniture and glass when upset. Ever since I got nice dishes though I don't do that anymore. Although.. I might like a new dining room set..

However...

I am not even angry... beyond angry I am just sitting here upset and crying and sad because the one thing I keep looking forward to keeps getting ripped away from me. It's like a wound that keeps getting the scab pulled off.. it just keeps getting infected.

Infection is exactly why I cannot make it to my MOPS meeting. And those have started to become extremely important for me.. and the kids ( when we can make it on Friday) AND WE HAVE YET TO MAKE IT TO ONE FRIDAY ONE YET!!! and I can't blame ANYONE... I can't blame Randy for getting sick.. I know he doesn't want surgery just as much as I just want him to be "fixed" and well again. And I know the doctors just want to treat him as quickly as possible.. so it's not their fault. But FUCK! for once I would like it to work out.. I mean ONE FUCKING DAY??? It that too FUCKING much to ask for. I had an open November.. this.. my birthday month was supposed to be MY laid back month where I didn't have to rush around doing so much and now I am completely booked....almost to where I don't even feel like celebrating my own birthday..

Fuck Dave Ramsey...What good does saving money do you if when you die you have to blow it all anyways and die poor.. and in pain. A proud man now has to sign up for everything.. get denied.. and now the only assistance we have is possibly threatened... Fuck me.. I need a prayer.. a thought..a clue...

About the only good thing that has happened is I actually felt good about my solos I tried out for.. so hopefully that will go somewhere.. You know.. it's so fucked up. I actually do believe I will be on broadway someday.. hard to believe that with everything going on.. a dream I never thought would happen.. I actually have started to cling to..

You would think by now I would be used to overwhelming amounts of disappointment.. but now when even little things ( That are now the big things ) like.. taking my kids out to MOPS and.. having a day just to sit.. get whittled down to where all you can think is if I had one more hour of sleep.. that would be like a week's vacation.

And I am still just balling... weeping almost the the point of just.. I would put in something eloquent but I really just....everything. I mean I just don't know what else can happen.. I have no right to complain because there are far worse situations I can be in.. and I don't begrudge doing it. I'm just tired... really exhausted and I wish there was a pill I could take to make it better.

End rant...