Memory

Sometimes I really feel all alone in the moonlight.. and I do smile at the old days because I was beautiful then.. and I remember a time I knew what happiness was.. and I am letting memories live again...

I feel so torn right now ..fragmented. Happy and disappointed do not go together well. This is a recurring theme of my life. I am content.. happy where I am at.. but disappointed I am not somewhere else. Why did my dreams fall through? Why am I where I am at.. because I did CHOOSE to be here. I am lost, but I get that feeling when I get creative and musically viable again. It's like a part of me dies for the happy part to live on but you resent yourself? That doesn't make any sense even reading it, but that's as close as I can get right now without going into full detail.

I used to be the talented one full of achievements just waiting around the corner.. and now.. my achievements have changed from touring the world.. to searching my town for fellow crunchy earthy hippie people like me .. and I can honestly say I have more friends than I ever have. I am less isolated than I have ever been.. but something keeps pulling me off course.. or on course as the case maybe..

Was I meant to be an incubator for future more talented beings? or can I myself.. aspire to something more.. to touch people.. to fill my heart and their heart with song. I mean I am not without a project.. right now it's a community choir and I am extremely fond of everyone there.. and I hope to finish out the season, but circumstances may change drastically with Kevin's dad and takes priority. Singing is my salvation.. music is my god.. without it.. I am empty...

Have I been faking it and now I believe I am happy and content because college beat the love and passion out of music.. or did I really change my path and onto something different where I am equally as knowledgeable and in my opinion more successful( raising my beautiful children) .

I have got a bad case of the What If's ... and the What If's are invading upon reality.. and it's a dangerous path to be walking.. and can ruin the what you have's.. Would I been better off in a band? Would I have been successful? If I could have took dance lessons.. could I have made it on Broadway? What about my choice of partners? Did I choose a safe route.. why did I?

WHY NOW! WHY when I am seemingly happy am I losing my ever loving mind! I am about to turn 25.. does that mean I have a quarter century crisis?!?! I am filled with utter euphoria and at the same split second I am mourning a memory.. a dream.. something that can never be because I can't go back.. and I have no clue where to start now...

All I know.. is I am getting signs .. signs of something.. Owls, stones, memories, huge strong emotional upheavals of my life are about to happen... and I don't quite know if it is going to be good for me.... or how I will fair on the other end of this cycle..

Now onto something quite sad..

Kevin's dad.. Here is a man who has been dealt some of the crappiest hands in life.. and he now lives with me.. and honestly.. these past months however hectic.. have been wonderful. Him and I mesh for some reason .. I think we a both a lot alike.. really hard exterior but extremely fragile inside. I wonder what he is thinking.. he doesn't show his cards very often.. What does a person who is so painfully close to his own mortality think about? Maybe he is the cause of my what if's.. Because I can't cry.. I did for the second time today.. just sat in the parking lot and bawled my eyes out.. and then.. I wipe up the tears.. look down the road.. and drive on..

Duty.. one of the key things in my mind is that if nothing else.. I make sure I do my duty to him.. anything he needs I get it.. anywhere he wants to go I take him. If there is nothing else I do in this world.. I want to make sure everyday he is alive that he is love and wanted.. and never a burden. It's hard for a man to depend on someone.. to have to depend on someone.. and I don't intend to make him feel like he HAS to be here..

I am finding it hard to figure out how his illness will go... and I don't know if I want to research it further.. the graphic nature of his cancer and disease is too much for me right now.. I pack it away.. I talk about it medically and almost in a stoic manner.. unemotional.. this is this and that is that.. and so on etc etc..

But the fact of the matter is.. I look at the leaves a little longer... I hug a little tighter.. I am eternally weeping in my soul.. because... we are all dead.. already we are all goners.. our fate is made and sealed.. now what do we do about it? What makes this life worthwhile? Maybe all the death around me is saying stick close.. don't take risks.. but my heart is running in the opposite direction... to the most risky of situations.. and then diving straight off the cliffs..

He called me Melponene.... He called me Kaloha( soft and sweet in his soul I see myself) , He called me sunshine... He called me sleeping beauty poisoned and hopeless.. He called me Kitten.. He called me Hummingbird, He called me Baby, He called me sweety, A lot of he's... and always.. I am .. his...

I am a mess..... maybe living off 3 hours of sleep doesn't make things any clearer...

oh well.. I will keep meeting in the memory... and dreaming a dream...
Elizabeth...