Just finished knitting a headband for Amelia.. was supposed to be a hat but I got impatient to start the next project but a headband is useful now in this awful incinerating heat. The heat is really getting to me... so is my life...
I have suddenly got to thinking about how I am acting and why I keep thinking the things I think inside of my head. Maybe I am tired of my reality... Tired of this incessant yearning for something more that I have reached back into my past and plucked a memory and decided to live there for awhile. Whether or not it's realistic to think that each reality can coexist.. I'd like to think it could. Maybe just maybe somewhere some way I can have both things I want. But what grips me down into my very being is that.. if I wanted these things so badly.. why then did I leave them ... Why did I not stay there with them.. and travel down another road. Would I have been truly happy there.. or would I be where I am now... reaching backwards trying to find something else.. something more meaningful.. more passionate.. and not dying..
Death surrounds me like a vicious snake.. sinking in to it's coils it penetrates my thoughts... and squeezes the life out of me slowly.... I smile.. I ache.. I hurt so bad it's tucked away for most of the day.. and then I lay awake at night thinking.. How will it end.. why? Why be tortured with both the most beautiful of feelings.. and the worst of fates.. only to just.. stop.. breathing...
I've become very bitter and angry.. Why am I married only to be left alone ALL the time.. I didn't want to be alone.. that's why I got married. Love love stability.. blah blah blah but I DID NOT WANT TO BE ALONE.... and here I am.. alone... and seemingly a single parent. It gets old... and it's gotten more and more under my skin lately now that I am also a caregiver of sorts and feeling quite helpless in that department as well.
I feel inadequate now in everything I do. I can't eat enough organic foods, wear enough organic cloths, teach my children enough about the world, I can't fuck my husband enough to make him see me as beautiful again, I can't wrap my head around this pain inside my soul .. I just can't fucking take it...and it's all my fault.
Would anyone even love me now as me? Hell.. do even know who I am besides being a mom..
The snake of despair has bitten me.. and I feel the venom burning through my body.. and I can do nothing to quell it. I see beautiful things... and feel daily relief but late at night.. that feeling of inadequacy creeps back and then the weekends come and I am made to feel like a useless child playing house....
Maybe all I am.. and all I ever will be is Fantine.. Whoring out my love for a place to live.. and my own reality..
not at all the pleasant post I wanted to write... but I can't bother anyone else with this.. so dear blog you have to do.
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