I don't even know

Heart racing fists clinched... why let one person ruin a day for you? You breathe out saying, " you aren't going to ruin me... " but it does! Why with all the things in the world that are going wrong do you have to give me that tone.. you snippy witch!? What gives you the right to infringe on my time and make me feel worthless?

I shudder... I pack it away. For one day.. one sweet fulfilled day.. I will have my words.. and it won't contain any swears.. or undermining tones.. Oh no it will be far worse. I want my eyes to penetrate into your soul and make your heart burn like mine does every day with a searing pain knowing that you too.. will die.. and I hope you get treated every day.. like the five minutes you felt were meaningless to me.. and I want the compassion you lacked.. to be forever stricken from your memory... and never have you feel a touch of love ever again.. nor the breathe of relief to any of your misery... that ... is what you truly deserve.

At any rate...

Life moves on.. it rolls away.. like tar balls on the sand... sticking to your skin and burning your flesh and you just beg for it to stop.. and let you rest... but you still burn..

I am in a mood..

I want to cry.. but I am angry.. I want to scream but I am quelled... I want to yell obscenities but there are none to describe the anxiety... the fear... the pile of information that keeps tumbling in...

There is no set goal.. no accomplishment.. just the daily ins and outs... with no sign of relief in sight. Even the brief moment of happiness... that I thought had been given to me.. left.. and every day after I grow a little more insane.. I will continue to fight.. I keep telling myself. Oh I won't give up.. that's what I'll say. Another day, another dish, another chore, another another another.. on top of .. what .. doctor's appointments.... finanical counselors.. Oh you are poor.. but not poor enough.. You have too much for us to help you.. Why don't you get down to nothing and call us back tomorrow? Oh you have nothing to pay us with? Well.. why didn't you sign up for financial counseling?

This round about logic.. for what? He doesn't feel any better....it depresses me..

Statistically speaking.. statistics are 99% worthless.. The more I read.. the more I wish I hadn't.. It's a good thing I have a love of reading and google. How did people deal with cancer before google?

Just venting... because I am tired of venting to everyone else.. I feel the pity... or the I'm sorry's... don't pity me.. I am not the one who has cancer. I feel absolutely helpless. Crying as I type his because I finally said it out loud to some extent.

The worst part is that now we have no clue what's going on. Chemo doc says it's terminal.. and it's spread to the lungs. Radiation Doc says its just inflammation... and so we are going to biopsy.. but it's f-ed up no matter what. If he gets radiation it's going to be hell for 2 years.. and how much time does it buy after that? If he doesn't.. he's just .. buying.. some time.. but quality time.. at least more than the radiation. What do you fucking hope for!? .... what do you will.. what do you put your vibes out into the universe for then? when nothing helps.. either way he's going to be gone...

I won't leave him... He thinks he's a burden.. He just doesn't understand given his past history that when someone gets sick your family bands together and makes it work. Whatever you need.. we do.. because you are now part of the tribe.. I guess he didn't realize he has full benefits .

I better just get it all out now ... and cry while I can.. I hate getting upset in front of him...

While he was in Chemo.. he asked what took me so long to get lunch.. and I lied.. I said that there was a line.. but I just sat in the car crying.... and then I go numb again... but it's getting harder and harder to pack things away. I can feel my panic attacks coming on and I just have to go sit in the bathroom and try to not freak out..

I'm stressed... I keep thinking about my grandmaw... I think she would be proud of me and how I have been taking care of things.. I miss her so much... I made her BBQ sauce and I swear.. I wanted to pick up the phone and call her to make sure I got it just right.. but I couldn't..

It's at night when it hits me like a ton of bricks...

I have the sweetest little baby boy ever! ...He has been so sweet to me.. I took him out for icecream and to get some shoes today because he finally wore his buster browns out.
I just need to be with my babies... get off here..

I vented... maybe now with it off my chest I can sleep..