There was not really a redeemable quality to May exception of the awesome time I had over Memorial Day weekend with my parents. May was one big Clusterfuck and you will understand me saying that after I explain the following...
First.. My ex boyfriend of say 8 years ago decided suicide was a great option for ending his nner torment.. Now we have not spoken in that 8 years say maybe once or twice around a year after he broke up with me but we weren't on bad terms.. I was devastated then but was glad I moved on after awhile considering the mess he got himself into. I always loved him.. he was my first love and always will be. I hated that he had so much talent and was coming to see it come into fruition just to put a bullet through his heart.
At first I was just .. numb.. then it sank in and I was angry.. Why didn't anyone stop this from happening... why didn't he call somebody.. anybody? I wasn't on the list.. hell its been so long... but even now if he would have called me.. I would have come.
His eyes just pierced through your soul... he was hurting and has been hurting for a long time now.. but I am mourning 16 yr old Derek... I never knew the man he became.. I never knew what happened because we just never talked. I did try searching him once or twice but his facebook profile wasn't available.. and wouldn't you know he was the first Derek I would have clicked on. 3 months before it happened I just should have called him like I was wanting to.. who knows maybe it would have helped to have a friend. But from what I know now he had tons of people to lean on.. to talk to.. why then did this happen?
This whole thing just has been tearing me up inside.. I lost him twice.. and this time there isn't a phone to pick up.. to say hey... I was there with you before and I made it.. you can to. I wish I would have picked up the phone...
"I miss ten years ago when we thought life was so tough and we didn't have a clue what tough was yet...
I miss the conclussions.. I miss the things we left unsaid, undone, and unknown... I miss the kids you never had and the wife I never got to meet. I miss it all. I missed out on even missing you... You left us all missing a piece... I never got ... See Moreto know twenty five year old Derek. I never got the chance to say "hello" Again let alone get to tell you bye... We never said goodbye.. Always see you later. But now I think I have to say it once and for all... Good bye derek.. you touched more lives than you thought. I just wish we could have returned the favor.. Thank you for the time we had.. even though it was cut short... "
Now onto Mid may.... My father in law found out he had cancer. He had a tumor in his mouth/throat and they did a pretty extensive operation cutting it out and replacing what they cut out with bone and tissue from his arm and then putting a skin graft on his arm from a patch they took from his leg. I was going back and forth to Birmingham for a week because he was in ICU and someone always needs to stay down there. And honestly I can't say it was bad because I got to help him out and it always feels good to help someone :) .
He needed a tracheotomy which was unexpected for him so he is relearning to talk.. they removed it before he left the hospital so that was good, but he has that to heal now too... but he's working on it.
He's not quite on solid foods yet. Which worries me but he is tenacious and he is working on it.
He's at home now and we are going to see an oncologist this week. He has a squamous cell carcinoma and it's a stage 4 highly aggressive tumor but from the x ray it hasn't spread so radiation and possibly chemo sould knock it out.
Needless to say I worry.. I dont want him to get bummed out about it...plus I want him to feel like there is something to look forward to after all this. But all you can do is research and get the best deal for the best treatment you can...
At any rate...
It's now June....
Moving on...
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