Take it to the limit...

When I get out of this crappy school..then I'll be happy. When I finally have a friend, then I'll be happy. When I graduate early, when I have a band, when I do my concert, when I graduate college, when I move away, when I move back, when I get married, when I have kids, etc etc etc....
When I get out of this country....most recently...

I have been in my depressive state of my manic depression... And this time the little things have piled on me so much I couldn't breathe. Things I used to do and enjoy I haven't done in a long time...jealousy , envy, and pure self hate settled in my very core . It's a cold sad state to be in around the holidays..and one of the only people who felt the same and I used to confide in...is dead.

Some say snap out of it, some say medicate, etc etc none of these are solutions...they are band aids ...my views just get shaken up..

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Another nightmare ...another article about what pretty much spiraled me into a blunt rage. It's hard to be in a country where the politicians are willing to let children die over a fake assumption that we can overthrow the government if and when we deem fit. What a retarded notion...

It's upsetting me and has shaken me to the core of my being . I want to move. But my luck I would be the only ,under in Canada that year. I am a raw person by nature, I'm angry mostly because I'm hurting not only for myself but the whole world. I feel like no one else sees hunger, pain, death, and they live in this fake bubble of  crap that is our American life. And quite frankly I dwell there in my manic phases...oh let's see what I can clean and make my life like the magazines tell me they should be.

Sitting here now ..about to get groceries for the first time in a long while... I keep thinking its all a game of chance...the life we get is all chance. None of this helps, none of it makes sense.

I need to find that middle way..... Get off this spiral and seek to be happy with the mundane trappings of everyday existence.
Maybe that's all there is.

Namaste,
Elizabeth