PET Scan. Didn't think something that sounds like a doctor gets to feel you up would be such a horrible indicator of the betrayal of your own body's cells. Oh you pesky little rapidly multiplying cell.. then you mutated.. and you did it again. How naughty this one little cell turned out to be. So much that 3 months with Chemo only is .. well. .a horrible option. Oh pesky little cell.. you grew and had a family.. Well.. your little redneck reunion is horribly inconveniencing your host's life. So please little cancer cells go away. But you won't.. And force must be used.. like radiation .. just a little though.. because god knows too much and good bye charlie.. but too little.. and.. good bye charlie...
So, is this painful treatment worth an unguaranteed year? Three months and you know what happens seems worse than the unknowns of this most painful of treatments. I am at a loss. Not giving up. But completely and utterly underwhelmed.. because overwhelmed.. doesn't describe what I don't even feel right now that I know is sneaking up on me.
The looks in everyone we saw today.. their eyes.. empathetic. Which is better than what I am... I am blank, numb, shell shocked, but completely held together by denial and being like my mom and you go in there and do what you have to do. Although.. I am like my father in that I am not emotional right now like my mom is.. because she gets to feel .. and I just can't. I shake hands.. make plans.. and get the hell out before I can really acknowledge what is going on.
They say married men live longer than their single counterparts.. but the lifespan of a married woman is cut down by five years. So.. While we nag, beg, plead to our stubborn, not going to the doctor until it's too late counterparts.. we get high blood pressure, they see a doctor, we take care of them, and then well.. we nag them to death and we are alone, but not for too horribly long because all that nagging took 5 years off our life.
I wish I could go back to two years ago when his jaw first hurt.. and made him go to the dentist. I even made the appointment.. he canceled.. No one.. can kick him more than himself right now.. I kick myself though.. hard.. I had no leverage.. Now.. he lives here.. and I can be a raving banshee and he must abide.. although rarely if ever has it comes to that.. if anything he actually seems to value my opinion of things. I wish I would have said we were going out to eat and just taken him to the damn dentist.. not that he would have gotten out of the car.. I would have drove my car into the building out of spite.. knowing then.. what I do now..
He is a good person who has had one of the most sad lives.. and honestly.. I don't know how he didn't go off the deep end with tragedy after tragedy he dealt with alone. I am not going to do what other people have done. Now he has family.. A real family. My family my little connected family plus all of my relatives= huge connected family. It is unsettling to him.. but my family really does care about him a lot and he gets nervous around other people especially now that he has trouble speaking.. but .. he is very much loved.. and cared for deeply by everyone around him..
3 months.. a year.. Either way he will have the best care I can give him. I fear for him...we need to do something really fun before radiation starts.. as I don't know what that road holds.. I know it's the worst thing most people have been through in their lives.. He is a stubborn man.. so if anything he will make it through based sheerly on that fact.
It's 10:45 and.. everyone is asleep.. For the first time this month I have not fallen asleep due to complete and utter exhaustion... Pregnancy and me.. just don't get along..
I've been keeping busy ...And now.. I just don't want to think.. so I am off to watch my trash tv via netflix.. and go to sleep....
Watching the kids playing outside.. watering their little purple flowers.. that is pure joy.. I am clinging to that.. I am glad Randy got to be outside with us.. maybe he can cling to that too.
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