Good life..

Tonight I am exhausted.. and I just don't want to fall asleep. Maybe it's because I am keeping myself on that same pain medication schedule .. got to wait an hour after 11 to make sure he is alive and okay. I went deep into the hard drive to look through pictures... pictures of when our life seemed to be so complex and now looks mind blowingly simple. Pictures of when he wasn't sick and lost so much weight. Pictures of him holding his first grandson who now doesn't even know he exists.. how happy he was.

Tonight, I sit down and look through little pieces of his life, but also mine as well. I have had a great run of it. Even if it all ended tomorrow.. I had a great time... and got a lot of love and got to give a lot of love. I don't know if Randy gets to die like that. His life full of disappointments seemingly spattered with people constantly going their separate ways. He finally got to know what family was when he became a part of mine. He got to hold his second grandson and got to watch him grow. Now he has another grandson on the way.

We go to the nursing home every day. It's been a week, but the time taken off Randy feels like months. I didn't expect his decline to be so rapid...or heartbreaking. The kids are always excited to go see him, even if he is sleeping because they tell him good night and sweet dreams .. they love giving Grandpa sweet dreams. Other residents like seeing them as well... this place is really and truly full of good people. I see these people and see really big caring hearts...which makes this transition less disappointing on my part.

I know that we kept him in his own place for as long as we could.. and having him live here with us down to the very hour we couldn't care for him by ourselves anymore. I don't regret any of it..I just wish I could ease his pain..and somehow cure cancer.

Everyone has to die.. and that pretty much sucks.. even if we cure cancer we cannot cure death. But we can cure our habits and the way we live and treat others... quite honestly we can all work on our sense of compassion..

But I have had a good life.. a good run.. a decent haul.. and regrets..and anger.. I need to let go of. My sense of time and my priorities during all this have all been changed... and I hope they stay changed. You can't keep putting off happy.. You need to be happy today. You need to hug everyone today.... call who you can today... let people know you need them and love them today.. cause we are not guaranteed a tomorrow..

I might not be writing as much.. but know that I am enjoying a good life....

Namaste,

Elizbeth