Time keeps ticking

And I for one am tired of it ticking so fast. It seemed like it was only yesterday when I felt those soft little fingers and toes and stayed up two days straight just looking at the little boy I just had given birth to. I never wanted to stop holding him and for the most part I didn't...I was very stingy. He is now such an outgoing, smart, and loving child.. who Monday will be joining other little 4 year old people in his first day at preschool . I for one am a mess. I love the idea of him getting out there and getting to make friends, but truly the thought of some woman I met once and people I don't "know" having my sweet bundle of joy just scares me to death.

I know he needs to interact. To be honest children now a days seem to have less social interaction with peers and other people. We are a wired community at best...at least in my household. We don't all live close enough to see each other on a daily basis, or for that matter even a weekly basis. Once a month we go to my MOPS meeting *which I am truly thankful I have* and he gets to play with the other boys and he is always in there having a blast.

I am weird. I so want to be part of a community, but I really am fearful of other people and can be awkward around them. Not fearful in a sense of "Oh god I am going to be killed" but more in a I don't like trusting people only to be hurt by them over and over and over again. I never liked social games and I am old enough now to not warrant putting up with it. I don't save face. IF you like me great.. if not please move on because I have a very short time on Earth and I am here to be the best me I can be.. not to please you and or put up with your agenda in any way.

It seems the older I have gotten more scared of the end game. When I was a teenager.. I was fearless.. but once you hold those biscuit dough feet.. that are so soft.. and need you so much .. you think now.. I just can't die.. I cannot leave this wonderful person.. and you can't.

My babies are growing up.. and I am just like my great grandmother in the aspect of I want a baby in the house all the time. I love little babies.. Toddlers meh lol babies.. oh yes.. Give me that new baby smell. Plus.. periods suck anyways..

Anyways... I am hanging on.. clinging to each moment as is gets ripped away from me.. bitterly sad painful beautiful wonderful moments that are my life..

Namaste
Elizabeth