Savor...

I want to be a better person today than I was yesterday..and the day after even better.. Every day I catch myself doing stupid things that make no sense.. and not cherishing the time I have and the time others have around me. Tomorrow is not a guarantee and I realize that more and more. I find myself extremely scared and nervous, but at the same time thankful because I try not to waste time I have with stupid things.. I try..

Savoring each and every moment.. I love hearing William and Amelia's conversations.. when they think I am not listening. I love hearing them say goodnight to everybody.. every night.. they say good night to not only everyone in our house.. but paw paw... maw maw.. paw major.. aunt tammy.. the list.. really is quite extensive.. and goes on and on lol cause my side of the family is extensive.. lol

Stress usually stresses me out but I don't know if it is because of our current circumstances I just don't bother.. it's not even big things that stress me it's little things.. that end up being funny things . Like... Randy accidently instead of forwarding his address to here.. forwarded all our mail elsewhere. *that was not a fun week.... until the .gov people investigating my so called stolen mail and illegal forwarding asked if I knew my own father in law... I couldn't stop laughing. *
Poor Randy.. he knew how upset I was because for the first time I texted him and told him.. I just can't take this right now.. going to drive and go scream at something.. be back later.. So he was more than a little embarrassed. I am handling all changes of address from now on :P

We went to the grocery store today, Randy tails me and the kids a lot on his good days because he likes to get out and about, I feel like I do way too much or try to when he is with us even though it's usually one or two stops. I do feel guilty though I used to see my grandparents a lot more. I need to make a trip just me and my mom and the kids sometime, but I hate leaving him behind or it feels like I am leaving him out. We got a lot done and the kids behaved considerably well for being cooped up in the car most the time.

Kevin is on the road during this nasty winter and I never like him leaving midweek and missing the weekends.. it always throws me off. I am glad though I got him to get a jacket, you can't go around thinking nothing bad is going to happen and not have a coat on you going out even down here. We really got along well during his time at home. The stress of buying/selling a home gets under our arses at times.. but he wants to stay and I am not sure what I want to do.

I used to be the most decisive person.. seriously injuring all who stood in between me.. and my goal/pursuit . Now I will literally spend 30 minutes staring at two different soaps.. calling my best friend up and asking hey what do you think.. calling Kevin up.. then sitting for another 30.. going home .. think about it.. then go back and figure it out. I swear... and the whole house thing is even worse.. so much so.. that I am letting fate decide.. if our house sells we move and make another offer.. if not.. then not going to try and buy the other house with this one hanging on the line.

I don't like living packed up in boxes.. not sure what to do or how to do it.. I don't like not knowing. I like a definite endgame.. something to shoot for. But I don't know what I want. Staying makes me meh.. leaving makes me homesick and dreading change/the unknown... staying makes me dread the renovations that will soon ensue..

I am a very fortunate woman.. whose life has been made very comfortable so don't think for a minute I am complaining.. just debating. It's an interesting debate thus far.

Am I completely bat shit crazy? Have I lost my ever loving mind? These questions go through my head... Have I finally come up with a plan that has a win win situation to it? hopefully... but quite honestly I can't complain.. either way is a win so why the big fuss...

I am just going to sit back.. savor the moment.. carpe diem .. relax with my little squishy dumplings and hope they will understand that mama is trying her best to be her best.. and forgive my shortcomings.. as they do come.. and if I am angry,sad,mad, frustrated.. to remember I have the best friends and family ever.. and I really am.. one of the most fortunate women.. ever..

Enjoying the ride,
Elizabeth