In my skin

Today, for the first day in a long while, I felt comfortable in my own skin. I looked in the window at my reflection and in that moments I really liked what I have become. As a woman you are held to so many standards of how you should look...so maybe a size 12 isn't as thin as I can be.. but it's what I am. Men have scars from great feats..what about a woman's body after childbirth... should my battle wounds be so unreveled? should my scars not be looked on in awe of my accomplishments or in shame because I am not the next plastered starved bimbo who makes a million dollars every time she farts funny and has the money and the time to work out and have someone else raise her children for her while she has a "life." I have not been nip, tucked, drugged up, dragged out, painted with chemicals, doused with perfume, or any of the other illogical things women do to wreck havoc on their bodies and their minds.

Yes... my belly feels like bread dough and is covered in stretch marks.. they will fade and my stomach will be firmer someday..but this is me.. I am not pinned up.. not should I be.. I don't want to be pinned down and plucked. I am woman as woman should be.. natural. I don't wear make up or perfume.. I am a soap and water girl. So why do I have I been holding myself to a painted standard? My husband loves me, my kids love me, and now.. I think I do too.

Everything has been really taking it's toll. I wish I could have more time to sing and do the things that would stimulate this poor brain that feels like it's turing to mush, but my children come first and that is what my plan was and always has been..Although, in my little fantasy I would have been on a tour bus writing songs with Jim Steinman and peforming all over Europe as well.

I have created this whole person that doesn't accurately describe who I really am.. more what I do.. I'm a cloth diapering, co sleeping, breastfeeding, babywearing, selective/delayed vaxing, hippie , crunchy mother.. but how long will those titles last? That's not me..that's choices I have made. Am I a sum of my choices? I don't know....

I think I will have to settle with what I do know.. I know I need sleep.. and I know I need to have a better day tomorrow. I am what I am.. hopefully that's just fine.