Finding the balance...

It's so hard.. I go from one extreme to the other. I miss that balance I need to get to. From the laziness of my nature.. to complete OCD freak that models herself thinking Martha Stewart should be the baseline.

I was doing good there for awhile.. and then it hit me like a ton of bricks after I bumped into Randy's Chemo nurse. She didn't recognize me at first.. probably because I wasn't pregnant anymore. She said," It's been a year since I've seen you, hasn't it? " and it took me back. Like has it been that long? Has this man been missing from my life.. from my children for this long?

It's different when you are the caretaker of someone who dies.. I spent a lot of time blocking out those last few weeks.. and ended up blocking out a lot more.. It's like my whole house, life, world got turned upside down and was like new and different and moved on... but it hit me.. a ton of bricks slapped me in the face.. and it's called death.

They say you need to live like you are dying.. I did that. IT doesn't work... I blow through money, don't do dishes, and sit there just staring and holding my babies all day. Sounds like a rough life huh? But in all seriousness it drives me nuts. I don't want to be this paranoid freak, but I don't want to die either.. But I will.. and I don't want it to be cancer.. I am so scared of cancer.. I got all my screenings just a month or two ago.. but I am going back.. because I am fucking scared of dying of cancer.. I just can't put my mind to rest and those last horrible weeks out of my head..

I hate this feeling that it's going to creep up like the sick bastard cancer is and bite me in the ass... I want to get back to normal.. but what the hell is normal.. Do I even like normal?

I miss a life where I didn't know how bad you could be.. where chemo nurses didn't exist.. where did that life go? Where Randy read to the kids.. and we had dinner every Sunday.. cause thats just what you did..

I had a more depressing schedule.. Chemo Thursdays. when we was alive.. now where is my schedule.. I have none.. I have no day.. I have no time allocated for these people.. I just drift around and bounce from place to place going by the seat of my pants everyday..

Tomorrow I'll do better.. Tonight.. I need to at least try... try and think about my happiness and let it come to me.. instead of rushing out to grab it and falling on my face...it's all too short.. it's all gone too fast.. and I just can't take it.. I really can't stand that fact..

I want to fix everyone's life.. I want to fix it all... I wish I had the time..

Namaste,

Elizabeth..