I didn't sleep much last night... my stomach was all tied into knots. I think I will be taking a break of all this internet social networking and such.. I am quite content to stay in my little neck of the woods.. I do not need the stress...
Why is it that everyone wants to been involved in every senseless act....it's like onlookers delays when it comes to a wreck on the highway.. everyone must slow down and look even if it means causing another accident.. because we must look at our own mortality right in the face? must mock it and go " Not me! Not Now! Not Ever! " What causes the fascination... why is the news of the day more like the daily death count?
I am caring to a fault.. to where it encompasses everything I do. I am a problem solver.. if you want something done.. tell me to do it.. and that's who I am. What bothers me more than anything is a problem I cannot solve... death is one of those pesky things.. constantly being a barrier.
A multitude of death has just swept my little corner of the planet...and I am helpless to do anything.. and without some sky spook to surrender my feelings to .. I am quite ashamed to say it affects me deeper.. there is no heaven for my little world to fall back on.. which makes the permanence of my impermanence even greater. I cannot say I am praying for you... and what does saying "I am thinking of you" mean.. but another way to cop out saying I am here but have no idea what to say and you probably have better friends to talk to about it than a total stranger wanting to say something that could never help you during a horrible process that is the grieving of one's own child.
And this is someone of whom I wasn't even close to... Not at all.. just a friend of a friend who has something horrible happen.. that is not the least of the deaths that still just sit on my shoulder right now...
Right now.. I just need a break from everything...and enjoy the good things I have because I won't have them very long. Life is short.. and to spend it in total nervous despair.. is killing me... quite literally..
And the things I cannot say haunt me... Maybe it's time to turn off the world... and go back to the simple not so connected life. Bad things happen but when you can't do a damn thing about it.. then it is even more disturbing.. the randomness gets to me.. and the lack of blame.. How do you blame Cancer? How do you say.. what you can't ... there is no comfort.. so I have to just live.. until I don't anymore..
......
I don't even know ...
Elizabeth.
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