Today and On

Today William discovered that instead of watching the lizards he could catch them...only if he didn't squish too hard... and he didn't. Thankfully it got warmer outside so the lizards could move more quickly as to avoid a painful death due to the curiousity of a excitable toddler and his knee high sibling. It was funny..he just grabbed it by the tail and it curled around and bit him... but this did not deter him in the least. Mama had to get involved and show him how to hold the body and not hurt the little creature.

The sun finally came out after days and days of constant grey. Which made me feel constantly grey. I am at a moment of conflict and near resolutions.. when I look at my life in a very introspective way.. I feel good. But when I take a more outwardly approach say looking at things in a comparison type way I feel very lost, uncertain, and almost depressed. I know I cannot compare my life against others for there is always the " grass is greener" scenerio. But I constantly feel affirmed while feeling somewhat left out and stranded.

Would my life be better if I had traveled more? Gone into debt 80K for another degree? Would my desires be satiated if I were touring the country as a singer? Having a gallery opening of my paintings? or Selling my wares as a potter? My books being published? Singing on broadway in my own musical production?

I don't know... I haven't done those things... not completely.. it's always almost. I am a master of none of anything.. I am not lousy at anything creative.. which makes me lack focus. FOCUS.. oh I hate that word.. it completely embodies everything I lack. I sing/write songs.. love it.. but no one wants to be in a band writing sappy love/depressing songs. I play piano.. good enough by ear to bs my way though college and earn a scholarship.. not good enough to play classically ( my sight reading sucks) I took up painting... naturally good at it.. not the next Van Gogh.. but good. I took up pottery, glass blowing, watercolors, knitting, crocheting, quilting, poetry, writing screen plays, writing short stories, etc etc etc none of which I hate.. all of which I like doing.. none of which you look at and are blown out of the water by.. well I am not blown out of the water by it but I am hard to impress and hard on myself...

Okay.. so I have trouble picking one single thing out to do with my life.. so I did it all.. I can't decide on anything.. I like doing it all.. but by doing that.. did I miss the point?

I don't know.. I am 24.. and it's starting to wear on me.. I was old at the age of 8.. A creative little sprout who had an angst against authority... and didn't really get along with any of her peers.. and.. I turned into an adult.. with an angst against authority figures.. and I really have very few things in common with people my age.. or with people in general..

Sometimes it feels like I am invisible.. mistaken for this wrathful bitch everyone seems to think I am. If anyone has a problem.. I have the teeth and pure rage to go after it full force until utterly beaten into submission. But I don't really know if you can define that as who I am.. at least not fully.

My inner self is this calm.. very quiet person. Loves babies and the beach... wants to own 100 acres and have everyone she likes live there. And acres of bamboo surrounding it..

My visible self.. is... not certain of very much. Has a disdain for people... but loves family and friends. I try to see the good in people but I don't trust hardly anyone. And for good reason.

I guess what this whole thing boils down to is in the midst of everyone.. what defines a person. Their acts... their accomplishments.. or their inner self? And why? and is how you view yourself different from how others perceive you and does that perception count?

Everyone has a woulda shoulda coulda list of things.. but would you be happier? I cannot say that I would indeed be happier with all of the above... because that would mean instead of this life.. I have to trade it in for this new other life with all it's issues and problems.

Maybe I just need a break...maybe I am in a post reflective analytic way and need to just chill out. But I keep thinking about my grandma.. and it will be a year the 23rd when she passed... and it's getting to me the things she said.. the things she regretted.. how she felt.. and I don't want to die.. with things left undone.. unsaid.. I don't want to die left wondering what it was I left behind. I also don't want to waste the life I have wondering what I have yet to leave behind when I am not yet gone.

I am not pessimistic at all about it.. just a little bummed. I miss my grandma.. and I am cherishing the loved ones I have left. But as you try and grasp those things you love most.. they just get ripped away even harder.

Forgiveness is also one of those nasty words that no one likes ... it's great and wonderful to be forgiven.. but to forgive for me is not a thing I take lightly. But.. it's like carrying a sack of bricks on your back.. the load of these grudges, self betrayals, pure disgust, these feelings of hate.. and once you let go.. your soul feels lighter.. and you transition.. You are no longer burdened by your past.. and hurt by other people over and over and over again..

It's late.. and I am not going to find my bliss tonight.. so Good night.. sleep tight.. and happy trails to you...

Elizabeth