Mealie- She has four going on six teeth now... two on bottom, and two on top with two more cutting in on top. She says thank you all the time now, but mostly while she is taking things from you. She is trying to hard to walk, she just kindof bobbles around the furniture.
She likes to point out babies in her books....it's so cute! then she likes to pounce on you... she loves it when she can surprise you. She calls Kevin "duh" it's hilarious. She is standing up so well now and even on her own until she realizes it then she sits down.
I can't believe she will be 10 months old this Wednesday.... I really can't.
William- He's potty trained himself... and has pooed only in the potty for a little over a month now. He's been going off and on in the potty when it comes to just peeing but that takes a little more time but he does it regularly enough. He is saying sentences now like " Frogs Eat Bugs" that's his favorite. He gets so excited when he sees our frog on the window at night. He cups his hands and wants to hold the frog and says " Hold IM" I love that... He's gotten to be such a big boy.
He loves to clean up the rooms so that his "Robob" can vacuum the floor. We got this Iroomba vacuum cleaner and the kids have gone nuts over it.
Kevin- Still working all week and back on weekends... Got his hair cut last night after we watched home movies.
Me- I'm the complicated one.. I feel fat, stupid, and all in all horrible. It doesn't help when you are called fat and stupid and a bad parent most of the time. I guess I just can't pull out of this funk I've been in since the aforementioned deaths of family members and I really need to. Kevin has a zero tolerance for depression or any saddness really. So he can never understand what I am going though because he doesn't seem to have much emotion. He wants me to be happy but could never empathise with what I am going through. And what I need is to be happy so I could have a chance at some sort of better life for myself.
The only things that bring me happiness are my children.
We have been fighting a lot lately.. mostly over my mood. I've bottled stuff up for so long I don't even know what I am angry about anymore..all I know is that for the past few weeks things have not been right between us.. and when we are together we fight and when we are apart we fight. He doesn't see anything wrong with telling me how much I suck. So I just have pretty much given in to the fact I can't please him at all... so why try. But that doesn't work either. I seem to get bitched at and feel bad no matter what I do.
It's not like I am being abused and getting black eyes.. but when your spirit just feels totally broken by words...by events... by everything.. you just get to that stalemate point to where you don't think anyone cares.. or anyone will listen. Where you watch other people with envy over their true friendships.. and you isolate yourself from everything when all you want to be is somebody.. for one second.. mean something to anyone... instead of just getting in everyone's way. I seem like I am always just one on the outside looking in and ... at 23... I don't think it' going to get any better... how can it? It's been this way my whole life... I've been a deep thinker and mostly loner.. but always craved attention and praise.. now I don't get even ," Nice job cleaning... thanks for taking care of the kids for me while I am gone"
Yes I am venting... and yes I am sitting here crying ... and I feel invisible.. Don't say anything.. just shut up...maybe it'll get better.. because god forbid you admit for one second that you aren't happy with being mediocre ...I was a star that just fizzled out of the sky and landed here in medocrity.. I am not the best at anything.. No one points to me and goes wow what a great person that is...
Am I worth remembering...
I don't know... all I do know is that something has to change... Death can't loom over me like this ticking clock I have no control over...3 more years..... If only one could live to old age I would be okay.
I used to have a best friend... I want him back.... I used to be special... now I am invisible.
1 comment:
I hope things get better for you soon.
I wonder if some of your sadness could be postpartum depression. I struggled with that for a long time after my son was born. Even when he was 18 months old and stopped breastfeeding as much as he used to, I felt a dip in hormones, and I just could not seem to shake the sadness.
No matter what it is, be sure to take good care of yourself and ask for help when you need it. If you cannot get the support you need from your husband, you may want to start to look elsewhere (counseling, mommy groups, La leche league, playgroups etc.).
I went to counseling by myself, and my husband and I went to counseling together for a while, and it really helped us hear each other. Something about having that other person in the room seemed to turn on his listening ears :)
I wish you peace and happiness.
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