I had a dream last week... that my grandmother got to die at home and I got to hug her again.. she told me how much she loved me and the hug felt so real... I can't help but cry. This 4th was really hard on me.. I pretty much cried off and on all day before and driving to and from my mom's house. I usually call Grandma to get a refresher on her BBQ sauce ( which is ungodly amazing) and just to hear her voice. I wish I could just freeze time and go back and sit with her... just to talk with her again.
Ever since she died not a plant in my house has.. and that's amazing.. cause I have the black thumb of death.. but none of them have died... It makes my heart ache.. Mealie looks just like her and it makes me miss her even more. I don't know what to do about this longing to see her again.. I just don't.
And then there is everything I've been hearing about Jay... I just can't imagine someone being murdered let alone my cousin.. I just think I am thinking about it way too much.. I can't do anything about it except try and make sure justice is served, but that I think is even asking abit much considering that police department is so crooked.
I feel like the perpetual outcast... I don't fit in anywhere. Yesterday pretty much drove the point home, if it hadn't already...I just wish I had it in me to confide in someone... I guess this diary is it. I don't feel like I can talk to Kevin like I used to.. he just makes me feel stupid. I feel angry isolated and alone.. and now depressed thanks to recent circumstances..
I guess I am going to go upstairs and change Mealie... The next post will be updates on the kidlets....
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