Mourning every moment

I honestly have been fighting every single moment to think positively and not sit and dread my own death or the deaths of those around me. Every voice messege saved..every scent savoured.. every second mourned. I am really trying to overcome this emense grief that I have been feeling for these people I have lost and have been wanting to talk to on an almost constant basis.

I mean lots of really great things are happening in my life..

Amelia- She has two teeth and went swimming for the first time yesterday at Cricket's and absolutely loved it. She's such an indepenent little thing.

William- He's growing up so fast.. He's turning into this sweet little boy ( although he can be absolutely a terrible two) but he just makes me happy just to watch him figure things out and now that he's talking more it is just so much fun to be around him.

Kevin- He's taking me on a trip.. and we are planning on traveling A LOT more with him.. I do think distance makes the heart grow fonder.. but I would much rather spend my days with him than without.


All that being said.. I tend to keep repeating myself and things that happen over and over again till I figure things out.. I am afraid I am going on and on and losing more and more ground.. and feeling more and more isolated by my feelings..

Lately I've been just on a spending spree.. and it's not at all comforting.. it is at first but.. I am very practical when it comes to money mattters and I'm annoyed at myself for my recent splurges.. although tiny.

I feel like I keep telling myself its normal to grieve.. but when do you say wait a second you are going off the deep end? When do you say.. I have talked about.. or .. I haven't talked about things enough.. or the fears are irrational? and how can you say they are irrational.. when things that are so tragic keep happening all around you.

It makes day to day life.. really.... emotional.. I am constantly on the verge of tears.. every moment I get to just sit and think.. I think of them.. and then the downward spiral continues.. thats why I don't allow myself to be alone very often.

I'm fighting really hard to just be.. cause I know that I am going to die soon but I can't keep living like tomorrow is my last day either...

Trying to figure things out,
Elizabeth