Overwhelmed

Reading my son a bedtime story, stroking his hair kissing, his face as everything winds down and we are saying our "I love you's" I get this sadness all over me again. I cannot imagine what my cousin's mother must being going through to lose her son...he was 25 but still her baby. I won't go into details because I cannot stand anymore talk of what happened and seeing it on the screen would be just tragic. I want to scream.. I want to get angry... I can't sleep and even if I do I wake up with my stomach in knots and sick.

I've got to find some way to just be able to grieve and deal with it without it completely making me paranoid to the point where I am not able to function. It depresses me greatly. Not just the fact that it happened but the fact that I am not able to change it. I should live by the Serenity Prayer. But I don't... it's a little saying that mocks me... constantly.. telling me how much I just can't control..

I'm angry at people.. I really have little trust left in people. So many things go wrong and so many people are just bad for no reason.. how does anyone stand it? It's driving me crazy.. where are all the good people??? I wish for once I was religious so I could at least say God has a plan.. but what plan makes children get kidnapped and raped.. what plan makes 25 year old boys die when they are just getting their life together? Why? there's not a fucking reason.. that's why!

I want to take my kids and hole up in a Farm somewhere...or an island.. or away from crazy nut jobs....

Maybe after the funeral..I can let things go and get back to life.... it's just hard to think about.. I am in this cloud of anger and grief...I just want to hug my children all day long..and never let them go.

Writing through the tears,
Elizabeth