Guilty

Horrible guilt plagues me and wraps around my heart like a thorny vine... I left him for the first time last night. Two of the most miserable hours of my life I spent just dreading he was crying for me, wanting me... (come to find out he really ate his way through the visit with his grandma and great grandparents).. .but none the less I was in complete agony.

So attached you become to your child that seperation is worse for you than they. All that worry, doubt, pain and anxiety consumes you for the whole duration of being seperated.. never again will I part with him till I am good and ready to.

I am so stressed out over pockets of nothingness..things that don't really matter keep coming up and all I want is to escape silently into the night and fade away. Why is being a mother so full of suffering...

You get put down sometimes for being a mother, god forbid you have any children before 25 or you are a whore/ careless. You get told you are doing everything wrong. You get told ,'' oh you are just a stay at home mom." like all I do is sit and watch tv all day!... You feel guilty if you listen and guilty if you don't and the whole time you are just starving for anyone to realize you have dreams and worth...

Why is it you can so easily be ignored....I'm guilty... Guilty of being ignored and tossed aside.. guilty of loving my child so much it hurts and I am guilty of devoting everything to him and sacrificing myself to do it..

I am guilty of being drawn into this whole mess that our culture has swept us all into.. but I am also guilty of running from it as fast as I can..

Wishing for the better days to come as winters frail boney hands claws at our souls...
Elizabeth and the Buddha Baby