180

My life has taken a complete 180 turn. I was so cloaked in my own almost bitterness and depression that I had truly forgotten how awesome my life could be if I truly applied myself. I still curse like a sailor ( and I really am trying to work on that) but all other things I have mellowed out over. I am not so quick to anger.. I actually have laughed quite a bit over all the things that have happened recently that would throw me into a fit of tears wondering why! ...

For instance.. I was feeding Mealie some sweet potatoes and after we finished I was putting up the jar when suddenly it slipped out of my hands landing in such a way to spew its contents all up on my hair , face, and throughout the whole kitchen floor. Usually, I would be " this is it.. I'm done... and just get all pissed off.. thinking this is my effing luck!" This time.. I kindof sat there.. looking at t he orange spots on my floor... and I looked right at William who just laughed as hard as I have heard him laugh in a long time.. then we all started laughing.. He had already gathered up paper towels to clean it all up for me... Then I wanted to cry.. not out of frustration.. but of the son who made me so happy inside.

I like being here with them. Instead of counting the days till I can be on stage again, knit by myself, crochet a whole blanket w/o interuption, take up my painting and pottery again... instead of thinking of all the things I could be doing without them and feeling like I am not living.. I started living again.. but just realizing those things aren't what I NEED to be doing right now. They would be nice, and some moms can pull off doing them with kids... but right now I am mom and that's good enough for me.

It's always going to be challenging to be the best... but right now I just want to be better than I was yesterday. And by Great Oden's Raven I think I am actually doing just that. I am getting better. I am keeping my house clean, keeping the kids nurished in both mind and body, keeping myself nurished in both mind and body too. I am opening up to the friends I have.. connecting on levels that I have only wished for and it's really great. I am finally living the life I want...and realizing that the life I have isn't just a picture on a screen or a snapshot ... it's all encompassing and it's more than just for show.. this life is all I have And I can't go around being a bummer all the time and expecting things to get better.

Anyways.. Updates !

Kevin- Wow.. total 180 on him too... we've dicussed tons and we are on totally the same page now...

William- He has been such a sweet little helper.. and not only that saved Mealie from falling down the stairs.. ( usually we have both doors latched at the top, but this day the doors were left open and by time I got back from the bathroom all I saw were little feet going into the laundry room and William right behind.. Usually I say "William leave her alone I'll get her.. " but I didn't.. The second latched door was wide open as well and he was there scooping her up and turning her around.. I told him how awesome it was that he was watching out for his little sister. )

Amelia- She is on the move and saying little words we can't quite understand :P She is a eating machine though and loves her sweet potatoes and butternut squash. She has 6 teeth and might be cutting more soon. She keeps biting and biting.. that's something I wish would stop.. I got little Mealie Bruises all over my arm from her sharp teeth. She claps and dances.. She loves to dance... and if there is no music she will hum and dance by herself. She is a vicious little critter though because she cannot stand for me to pay any attention to William and when he goes down to sleep before her she likes to crawl over and claw at him... She's got quite the personality.

Me- I am just living day to day. I think if I can just be a good person and a good mom I'll be doing great. Not everyone can be noticed for their talents all the time.. So I will sit and shine on to my children and make them the happiest kids they can be.

That's all for now:)
Hummingbird.